Hibernating

Hi Bloggers! Remy here! I know some of our avid readers may be a little surprised to see the other half of Just Two Bros having an internet presence right now after getting really used to the blonde one writing all the time. But just take a deep breath and let it simmer. It’s going to be all right.

When Anthony told me the other day that I probably should contribute to some of the writing of this blog, I was a little skeptical because I have doubts about myself as a writer. I’m more of a chemist. And I thought, what, if anything, will I have to say?

It seems this lack of an occasion to speak is a common theme in my life right now. I’ve been finding recently that whenever I run into an old friend, whether it be at a party or on the subway, that the age old question of “What’s new with you?” comes into our brief, passing conversation. Recently I have been answering with:

1) Auditioning   2) Working  3) Lost

And whenever I feel embarrassed or ashamed of such a response I have to remember that I’m actually quite happy doing all 3 of those things for now. And that is because it is winter and have an extreme case of Season Affective Disorder (S.A.D. if you will)

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, S.A.D. refers to the state of being humans experience during the winter months where they mostly just want to stay inside, have little interest in doing anything, sleep a lot and sometimes feel depressed. They get sad with S.A.D, I guess. I’m not sure if they created the acronym purposely to spell “sad”, or if it just worked out nicely that way.  But I’d like to propose that we shouldn’t look at this phenomenon as a disorder but rather a necessary phase in one’s year.

I find myself in the same place every winter. Catching up on my tivo, starting a new TV show, or occasionally knitting a scarf as it snows outside.  When I do go out for work or whatnot, I’d rather be back home. As much as I love seeing my friends, during this particular season I feel like I need more “me time” than usual. My theory is if I do a whole bunch of nothing and hibernate, by the time spring and summer comes along, I’ll be rested, refreshed and ready for adventures. How will I ever know the grandeur of the warm months if I don’t have the contrast of the cold ones?

I live for summer. Always have. There is so much possibility that comes with the word. I find myself in a fantastic limbo of time as May and June roll around.  Time appears to stop and I end up having some of the most memorable and mind boggling experiences. Much of this is probably attributed to summer break from school. You’ve spent the whole year working toward one goal and then you get 3 months to do with as you please. I’m interested to see what will happen this year as it is the first summer not surrounded by the bookends of education. Hopefully road trips will still be a possibility.

So, if summer is for doing, then that would make winter for thinking, right? So far in February, if I’m not watching LOST or Drag Race with Anthony, I tend to find myself being nostalgic (Word of the day from a few posts ago. Thanks, Bro). Yes, nostalgic in the immediate sense: thinking about the last year; what I’ve done since college and how high the stakes are in post grad life (your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.)

But with this winter, I have been thinking much further back into my childhood and adolescence, pondering the choices that I made to get me to the point right before graduating college and entering the “real world”. Yes, I made many good decisions, and I try not to live with regrets. But, if anything, this winter’s S.A.D. has made me look back at my past and wonder if I lived all the beautiful moments I have experienced to their full potential. I find myself comparing this “necessary funk” that I’m in to times when I was floating on cloud 9 and I could only see forward and smile. Now I look back and can’t help but wonder (did anyone get that Sex and the City reference?) if my prime has already passed me by.

We rely on our past experiences and connections to fill a void or to connect to something that is familiar and comfortable. We're nostalgic in times of confusion and unknown futures because the memories give us a sense of stability. These circumstances can include connecting with a past lover, trying to re-create moments you shared with your best friends from high school in your home town, or visiting a place that once took your breath away. But, this isn’t necessarily the best option because past flings and memories are not fitting with YOU in the present. And when something is over, it's over. The memory is fleeting. We need to figure out how we fit in the now . If we harp on things that had an expiration date, we are going to be constantly stuck comparing that moment to everything else and then you yourself will be stuck and be unable to move forward.

What is the value of a memory anyway? Can the memory be more beautiful and important than the actual event itself?

I’ve come to realize that I do this thing where I'll never really appreciate something that I have in the moment. A moment only becomes really powerful when I look back at the time that is no longer in existence. What am I supposed to do with that? Perhaps, when we deal with this analysis of our moments, we are having our own version of the Baker’s Wife’s ‘Moments in the Woods’ from Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine. She experiences this momentous and unexpected happening. She, a peasant, has a brief sexual encounter with the Prince. It ends so fast she wonders what on earth just happened and if, in fact, this could be more than just a passing moment and instead a potentially game changing event. She expresses how she loves her simple life (her “or” if you will) but when compared to what just happened (her “and”), something so exciting and different, she questions which is preferable and what each mean to one another. She ultimately decides she is glad to have had her “and” because “just remembering you’ve had an and when you’re back to or, makes the or mean more than it did before” She leaves having understood the meaning of the moment (Congrats to her. It’s not so easy for the rest of us) and is ready to get out of the woods and go back to her husband and child. But then she dies. Yeah, DIES. (Sorry if this is a spoiler alert for anyone) So I’m not so sure what kind of message that sends to fellow moment seekers. Is the message, “If you make an excitingly risky decision then you die”?  I hope not. And I hope it was summer wherever the Baker’s Wife went to.  (Actually I’m not sorry. Shame on you if you don’t know Into the Woods)

I try as much as possible to fill my life with “ands” and put a limit on the “ors”. But, as the Baker’s wife says, “ if life were only moments, then you’d never know you had one”. That’s why this time of year is so important to me. You have to be mundane every now and then to appreciate when that spectacular moment happens and sends electricity up your spine. Heck, I’m even waiting for the moment later this year where I could run into a friend and be asked what was new with me and have a million things to say and not stop and win a prize for it. And I’m very willing to wait. And that’s okay because I know summer is coming. But for now, I am sitting in my living room listening to Snowstorm Nemo (we found you), and waiting for Anthony to come home (I always hope they are your keys in the hallway, too, Anth).

 

I leave you with our daily dose of dailies:

Daily Fabric: Snuggie

Daily Activities: Indulging, Napping, Finding Nemo

Daily Icon: My mom. We had a good phone convo tonight.

Ands, Ors and Ellen Degeneres,

TWO BROS