Searching . . .

I went through a phase when I was younger where I would name objects by adding a "y" to the end of their actual name.  The deceptively undelicious "chairy," the awkward sounding "windowy," and the long time family member "vanny" were...well...basically all of them.

Vanny was a dream of a vehicle.  It had two tape cassette stereos, fragile window shades, and long pondered ash trays.  The faux wood was just so damn classy, but the best part of the whole ride was the back bench seat.  I have two brothers and as many parents, so when we would drive to a family vacation spot, one of us got the whole bench to themselves.  And that someone was MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  YAYYYYYYY!!!!  I believe my older brother wanted control of the second tape cassette, and so chose the chair[y] next to it.  And my younger brother wanted to be like my older brother, and so chose the similar chair[y] in that middle row.  SUCKASSSSSSS

Long story short: I won.  I would spend half my time starring out the windows at trees and street signs, and spend the other half my time stretched out with my eyes closed and my breathing steady as I tried to suppress my car sickness from reading those street signs [and any initials carved into those trees].

Thankfully, car sickness does not translate to subway rides.  Otherwise, I probably would have "gotten sick" on the subway...more than I already have.  #nocomment #allt #allshade

The long benches of the A train remind me of the long back row bench of Vanny.  And the man falling asleep on my shoulder on the A train...reminds me of my own young self being cradled to sleep on Vanny's back row cushions.

I love sleeping in a moving vehicle.  Sleeping, in general, is wonderful.  Sleeping in public is ill-advised.  Sleeping in public in NYC is a regrettable gamble.  I use the "put your leg through your backpack strap" method [when I really don't care how stupid I look].  Desperate times call for desperate measures [and some sweet, sweet dreams].

Alright, alright, alright.  Truth be told, when I'm not snoozin' while acruisin,' I'm reading/memorizing or teaching [forcing] myself to make eye contact with strangers.  New York City is a rough place for meeting someone new on the street.  Not because there is a lack of new people on the street, of course, but because nobody says hello or has real interactions with strangers.  I try.  And I try.  And if you're cute...I fail.  Otherwise, you get a nice warm smize from me.

Often, I get no returned eye contact (thank god).  Sometimes, it's because someone ELSE is snoozin' their ride away!  They are passed out and completely vulnerable.  I am not a predator nor a thief, so good for them, and awful for my shoulder when they do the "lean'n'drool."

How funny that humans were made to be vulnerable without a choice.  When we sleep, we close our eyes.  We lose sight of the conscious world and fall to utter obliviousness.  When we sleep, the world creeps on (much like an Animal Crossing game).  In the blink of an eye, the world changes and grows and evolves and falls in love and destroys and collects and isolates and plays Animal Crossing.

Try it now.  Close your eyes.  Feel vulnerable where you are.  Feel safe, reading this in your own home.  Feel uncomfortable, reading this in public.  Consider how your surrounding company makes you feel more or less taken care of.

I feel most transparent when I'm dating someone.  And I love that.  I love having someone who wants to know all my secrets and thoughts.  I love having someone who is my go-to for exciting news and unfortunate circumstances [or vice versa].  However...

...relationships are also difficult when it comes time to reveal more of your true, [metaphorically] naked self. Trusting your partner is putting yourself on display, completely vulnerable.  It is a beautiful state BECAUSE of how dangerous it is.  You trust another person with your revealed self so that perhaps it may lead you to a deeper level of intimacy.

After each of my relationships, I've had a realization that I had been blind to some part of my social or romantic consciousness.  I didn't know what I didn't know, and suddenly the walls of my love reality crumbled in an earthquake of hurt and untimely clarity.

I have friends in several stages of relationship: current breakup, recent breakup, meeting after a long past breakup, and even saving the relationship from a breakup.  I'm disappointed not to see a new and budding relationship on that list.  S.A.D. continues to take its toll.

What makes a successful relationship?  Trust.  FIRE.  Shared experiences.  Commitment.  Trust, but for real this time.  A relationship, on any level, is an agreement.  A promise of something!  The trouble creeps in when communication is failed and trust not achieved.  A lover will get hurt when expectations don't match up.

A friend of mine once told me that agreeing to be in a relationship is agreeing to hurt each other.

I look forward to the day I get married and start my family.  I am so excited by the idea that I will share a promise with another person to be there with them, together, on the same team.  Through thick and thin.  Through Sandy and Nemo.  Through miscommunication and communion.

I'm pretty far from my familial goals:  I'm single (two bros bachelor pad!!!  Holla!!!).  I have the smallest amount of free time (the majority of which goes into saving the Princess).  And I find it so hard to meet new people in this city!  So few people REALLY communicate on the street.  And the ones that do use the opportunity to "practice" being angry.  It's hardly worth it to even try to face my fears of eye contact in the slim hope that someone will reciprocate...in a way that won't be resolutely creepy.

En placer de eso, I put my energies partially in smizing at strangers...and more in good posture, a positive energy, working on my career, writing my blog, singing in public, anything to better myself and have more confidence and trust in myself.  I do this because, during this desert of love in my life, I believe that an investment in myself is an investment in my romantic future.  We are most attractive when we are most confident and not looking for love.  I close my eyes to scoping the crowds and instead focus selfishly on myself.

You can open your eyes now.

Oh, right, and then THIS happened:

Daaaaaaailys:

Daily TV Show: Impractical Jokers
Daily Activities: Traveling, Talking Relationships, Eating with a Spoon
Daily Icon: Emelie Samuelson (I mean, check out her AWESOME blog post!: http://awkwardlyaliveandpleasantlypeculiar.com/2013/02/16/just-two-bros/)

Love, Bitches, and Hot Fudge,

Two Bros